on generosity.

alright, go grab a(nother) cup of coffee & nestle in, this is going to be a longer one:

these past few weeks, i've been tossing around a post on generosity. like many of my other big ideas posts (on visiting friends, or newlywed life, or going through life with dear friends), it's a topic that seems to be coming up all over the place. you see, when i think of generosity i think of a lot of things:

i think of the women at bible study who hear ellie's cry, see the dark circles under my eyes, & come to rock her in the back of the room so i can really listen. they are generous. i think of some dear friends who are also new parents & the precious package that arrived from their baby girl to ellie with two of her favorite books inside (i love a three week old who already has favorite books!). that baby girl is led by generous parents. i think of the dozen loads of laundry my mom did when she was in town last week. she is generous. i think of my sweet friend who is so present when we catch up on the phone -- she has such intentional questions, such thoughtful responses -- encouragement just pours out of her. her spirit is oh so generous. i think of another sweet friend who drove 8 hours round trip in one day to meet ellie because she just couldn't stand another day not having met her. ellie cried most of the three hours she was here & she didn't mind. her generosity meant more than she'll know. i think of saturday morning, when ryan needed sleep just as much as i did, but he took ellie down to the back room & let me sleep for two extra hours (!!). he is generous & loves me so well. i think of the friend who came by trains, planes & automobiles to meet ellie & as if that wasn't enough, brought the two above gifts for me (shouldn't i be buying her gifts?!) -- so incredibly thoughtful & generous (what a stunning scarf & i can hardly wait to dive into this cookbook!). i think of all the loads of dishes kaitlin did & lattes she made while she visited -- small acts that made all the difference. she is generous.

surely this is evidence that bringing a child into this world makes generosity show up like neon lights all over the place -- at some level, you are so tired, exhausted, scared, overwhelmed and excited, that when others meet you in that place & lend a hand, you feel like you couldn't be more grateful. their generosity touches you in a new way -- they're not only loving you, but loving this new life, and that means a great deal.

that said, i was interested in generosity long before ellie came along. i grew up in a family where generosity was modeled incredibly well by both of my parents. taking meals to others, giving thoughtful gifts, holding the door for others, volunteering, visiting older friends & new babies, paying attention to other's big life events, hosting bridal & baby showers, stopping to help someone on the side of the road, & taking care of one another mattered a lot in our house. those things were done consistently & without much fanfare -- it was a way of living. my mom had a shelf or two of gifts at the ready -- for a hostess, birthday or someone who was sick; she had a file folder of cards for all occasions. my dad treated everyone who crossed his path with the same warmth & generosity of spirit.

as i got to college & had the choice to take on the same responsibilities in my life or neglect them, i tried really hard to follow their lead. i was also blessed to find friends who embodied this generosity so well.

it's important to note, generosity can cost money -- the ingredients for the meal for a grieving family, those flowers when your friend across the country gets a big promotion, a latte for the assistant at your office who constantly makes your work day a bit easier, the provisions for a bridal shower for a dear friend, those books for a new baby -- they all cost money. it also can simply require your time -- helping a friend move into a new apartment, or babysitting for new parents, giving the spouse of a deployed service member a few hours to herself, or offering to take that elderly neighbor to the grocery store for a few hours. in both cases, regardless what your income is or how busy you are, i'd take to heart that generosity involves some sacrifice. sending a friend a thoughtful gift may cut into your budget for eating out this month. spending an afternoon helping someone else may mean you don't cross as much off your to do list. generosity will, at some level, require a sacrifice from you. that said, i can promise it won't feel like a sacrifice -- my life most often feels even more full when i'm generous. when you get the immensely grateful email from the friend who really needed that pick me up, you won't look at your credit card bill at the end of the month & regret that purchase. when you see the relief on a friend's face after you help them for a few hours, you won't be bitter your to do list isn't shorter that day. when you see the smile on a bride's face as she sees all the touches you put on her wedding shower, it will be worth every penny & late night getting ready.

i don't do this perfectly. it's something i wrestle with i'll think of someone or hear some news & think "i should send them that book!" and then go "but our budget is so tight this month, maybe just a card, or even an email?" or will contemplate offering to help someone & then think "but i haven't seen Ryan all week & i'd rather just spend time with him that afternoon..." it's not a perfect science, but when i choose what's easier for me, it ends up being so much emptier than when i choose to go a bit out of my way for someone else.

and it doesn't have to cost a gazillion dollars! instead of ordering flowers online, pick some up at the grocery & arrange them yourself! use amazon to get free shipping & dirt cheap prices on amazing, thoughtful gifts (i love this candle & this book). you can even include a free gift message! when you cook a meal for others, simply double the recipe for your own family & it'll be a lot more cost effective (i'm a big fan of doubling my pumpkin bread & chocolate chip cookie recipe -- it's just as easy to make twice as much & it gives you the opportunity to brighten someone's day!). scour pinterest for affordable ways to make hosting a party affordable & thoughtful. make your own cards -- a simple note on the perfect card can be a gift in itself. show up. be present. offer your skills & talents (if you have a green thumb, are a baby whisperer, have a knack for photography, etc. there is so much you can do for others!)

this world can be a cold, dark place -- and simple acts of generosity can be such a bright light. 

shine on. 

all the single ladies.

months ago (like july, eeps), i got an email from a reader & dear friend in real life. i've thought about it a gazillion times since then & am finally going to do my best to answer it.

"dear t&f, I have finally caught up on the June/July postings and would like to thank you for all the lovely work you do!!  I am about 87% inspired to do something similar, but due to my hectic schedule, short attention span, computer illiteracy, and inability to see any of my projects through, I fear I'd just be a disappointment.  I do have a question/idea--or maybe better put--a problem for you to tackle!  (really, it might be a doosey for you to figure out)  What about all the single gals??!?!  Any suggestions for us??  Do you know of a blog where we can find handsome, funny, chivalrous, wannabe family men to go??  Or do we give up and just start nesting by ourselves (I get the house-purchasing-itch every time I read t&f)?? Start picking cats up off the street?  Take up an interest in knitting??--which I'm actually seriously considering, after your post from NYC.  This is all in jest of course,...but seriously...t&f always makes me a little sad that life plan #1 never quite materialized.  Should I feel sad about that?? Is there a way to feel that content-and-settled-yet-excited-about-the-future the way you are with Ryan, when all I really want to do is hit the PAUSE button until Mr. Right comes along.   Did any of that make sense?  Feel free to reply if you need clarification.  I just wanted to see what your sunshiney take on single life was."

i'm totally unqualified to answer this awesome question, but hope in my ramblings, some of you will find something useful. numbers help me think:

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birthday gratitude.

today is my twenty-eighth birthday! as i sat down to write this post, i was going to write 28 things i'm grateful for ... and then i went back to my twenty seventh birthday list & realized how many have held true this year -- i'm so blessed & love taking today to really soak that up. it's easy to do with such fun phone calls/texts/emails coming from so many dear ones in my life! a few things to add to the list this year:

i've already heard from my three grandparents this morning -- i'm 28 and i have three grandparents who have been an enormous part of my life & love me so well. they are incredibly wise & i'm so grateful for all the ways they've helped to raise me. (& they're funny as anything, i love our phone calls!)

this little girl who is about to enter our lives (i think she's decided we aren't going to share a birthday, just a birth month!). i am beyond excited to meet her & so grateful for the chance to be her mom. this is an incredibly meaningful december on so many fronts. 

the simple joys of this season -- the smell of the wreath on our front door, little white lights everywhere; freshly baked cookies delivered by little neighbors so proud of their decorating; strangers exchanging heartfelt holiday greetings; carols in church; a beautifully wrapped, thoughtful gift.

our military -- all the amazing service members & their families who serve so selflessly -- i'm so honored to be a part of this community & appreciate more each day the service & sacrifices made.

for a warm home to sleep in at night and meals on the table.

and for a wonderful husband who makes each birthday even better & who i absolutely love doing life with.

sweet readers, thank you for all the ways you've made this year incredible -- here's to many more! xo

p.s. absolutely loving this cake!

doing life together.

a reader recently wrote & asked if i'd talk more about having my closest friends spread to the wind geographically & maybe offer some advice if you're entering a chapter in life where this is the case (graduating, big moves come to mind...). as background, & i know i've mentioned this before, my closest friends live in (no joke): boston, d.c., chapel hill, atlanta, a soon to be air force determined town, raleigh - recently moved from new orleans, boise, denver, dallas, san francisco, & new york. it's almost funny to think friends i made in indianapolis, charlottesville & d.c. could now be putting down roots literally across the country. 

so, with that as background on my friendships, two things come to mind: one is that it's always important to invest where you are. ryan & i are so grateful for the friendships we've formed in virginia & are thrilled to be growing in those relationships. second, friendships can continue to deepen, even if there's no chance of you being in the same place on the horizon. the overwhelming majority of these friends were girls i met in college -- we got TONS of time together & those friendships were such a blessing during that time. but honestly, since we've left college, those relationships have deepened. even if we can count on two hands the number of times we've actually been in the same place since then. when I think about why that is, it's because we've stood beside one another over time, not just one season in life. it's because we've shown up when it's really mattered, answered the phone & listened without judgement when we needed it most, celebrated tremendous joys, and been present when life brings great pain.

on a practical level, i communicate with these girls in so many different ways -- we text, we send emails, we talk on the phone on nights & weekends, we send cards, we make a point to see each other. we remember birthdays, first days of new jobs, first dates, anniversaries, trips home, brothers/sisters graduations, husband / fiance / boyfriend's birthdays, anniversaries of a loss -- and we reach out. many days, ryan comes home & says, "how are the girls?" i always want to know how these girls are & make it a part of my life to find out one way or another. 

one of my favorite t&f posts to write was on visiting friends & if you haven't read it, i'd start there. i still think it's incredibly important to go see these close friends and be able to picture their lives (where they live, their favorite places to eat, where they spend time). i also know that takes money & time, things we can all run low on. i also know that i feel like i'm entering a new chapter -- it's been "easier" to do that in person time, because we've all been getting married! this means girls weekends, weddings in their hometown, specific reasons to buy a plane ticket. it also meant i might get to see more than one of those girls at once. now, the overwhelming majority are married, or will be in the next year. that also means life is busier -- we have our husband's families, friends, life events on our calendars too. we're starting families. we're in more complex/demanding jobs than when we first got out of college. 52 weekends in a year quickly get gobbled up. precious vacation days are critical times to get quality time with spouses and family. so, when i used to say, "well, even if I don't see her for 6 months, we pick up right where we left off...." i now may find myself saying, "even if I don't see her for a year & a half..." and yet, i really think that will still be true. 

i believe that for a couple of reasons. one, i have deep faith in how solid these friendships are & that their role in my life is for all seasons. secondly, it keeps proving itself to be true. just this week i was having a moment when i just needed to talk through some big things in life, and two of these girls happened to call that night. ryan was flying, i had all the time in the world and those conversations were EXACTLY what i needed. of course i wish they'd be in person, over a big bowl of strawberry ice cream, but it mattered very little they were on the phone. those friends took the time to get in the middle of my life & help me figure it out. they drew on years of knowing me and loving me well when they offered advice & they were honest about where we just weren't going to find answers that night. i got off the phone that night feeling as though my cup runneth over. life is so well lived with good company along the way.

these friendships are not perfect -- and i know we have and will disappoint each other, find times when we aren't showing up like we should or just gaps when there isn't the time or space to stay in touch, but that adds texture and depth to the friendships too. it makes them all the more hearty. & sure enough, the seasons will change & we find each other again. i've also been blessed to watch my mom & grandmothers have such deep and lasting friendships. i grew up hearing about my mom's college friends, knowing them, looking up to them. my grandmother gets lunch with women she went to high school with over 70 years ago! women can be fiercely loyal -- it's truly one of our greatest strengths.

i mentioned in my post about us learning we were having a girl that one of the most incredible things was telling these women. they were also one of my first thoughts upon learning this little one was a girl -- their faces came to mind & i was comforted that when i don't have the answers for this daughter of mine, or can't understand where she is, or isn't the ear she wants listening, that she will have these women to go to. that they will love her well. that she can draw from the strengths they have & look up to them. it will be one of the greatest blessings in her life. one of my favorite things my parents did was that we called their close friends aunt & uncle, even when there was no blood relation. this baby girl is going to have a boat load of aunts & i just love that.

finally, i feel lucky to have found so many dear friends in different seasons of life -- and have clung to them with my usual stubbornness, but i believe the old adage that you only need one is so, so true. i didn't really know friendships like this existed until college & certainly it took me even longer to begin to appreciate their breadth. i also don't think you need to have had years in the same place to grow closer long after you both leave it. some of these women i met in week long programs, or knew distantly in college, but bonded with after we graduated. i also couldn't explain to you why each of these women has stuck in my life the way they have -- it's not logical, it's just one of those beautiful life things that happens over time & defies explanation.

balance?

going back to your wonderful questions, several of you asked what i do for a living (specifically why i'm always getting on or off an airplane!) and how i try to strike balance between work & life. well, i can't promise answers, but i can promise honest ramblings.

i'm a military wife. that means we move every couple of years, ryan can deploy at a moment's notice, and there' are a lot of other responsibilities that come with this enormous blessing in our lives. i'm so gosh darn proud of my husband. i don't mind stop, dropping and rolling when paperwork is needed or we have some new challenge ("ok, now you're moving with one week notice of where that will be!"). i'm far from perfect at it, but my mom has been looking my whole life to find a way to teach me patience -- and i've finally met my match: the u.s. navy. we're currently stationed in virginia, which we love.

i also work for a nonprofit that works with wounded & disabled veterans coming back from iraq and afghanistan to help them find, through volunteering, meaning & purpose in their lives again. this generation of veterans is amazing -- and they have a lot left to give. it's an incredible, rapidly growing organization. it's far from a 9-5 (unless you mean 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. too), and, get this, it's based in st. louis. so a lot of my travel is going half way across the country & back again, but we work nationally, so i also do a fair amount of other travel. it's a privelege to work on something with so much meaning. it's deeply personal too. i want an organization like this to exist, if, God forbid, ryan were to get wounded, i would want him to come home to an opportunity like the ones we create -- we're doing good work.

so, now let's throw in everything you see on t&f. i love to cook, have dear friends over to share in those meals, do yoga, read, and put together a home where everything has meaning and is in its' place. i love hanging out with my family. it's really important to us that we're connected to a church. i have dear friends who are scattered to the wind & i love visiting them. we're in that stage of life where every time we blink a friend is getting married or having a baby -- those moments deserve pause & celebration. i aspire to garden. we love going to movies, even if they aren't blockbuster hits. i have some blogs i just love reading. i can't get enough time with my husband -- whether he's just saying funny things or we're going on an adventure. i love writing letters especially with my grandmother & godmother. & every now and then, i'd like to just sit around and contemplate my naval (this is an expression, my editor, ryan, doesn't think it is, but it is) or read a magazine.

so, did i mention i'm human? & i get tired. and worn out. and things take way longer than they should. and i screw them up. or i just don't feel motivated. or really just wish it was already done (ever have those moments? when you think you might walk in the kitchen & a healthy, delicious dinner will magically be sitting there? or you look at your credit card bill & honestly think, "this might go down!" ?!?)

all this to say, i think about this question ALL the time. i mull it over with dear friends. i come up with new game plans. my plans fall apart completely. i reach a new brick wall. i ask big questions. i come to ryan in tears. i think for 2 seconds i might have figured it out (ha!) and then remember why that's impossible.

i am increasingly trying to live a present life. when i'm working -- to really work, to give it everything i have, it deserves it. when i'm with ryan, i kick my blackberry to the curb & am present. when i need rest, and my body is so abundantly clear about that, i try to take it. i try to reflect, when i put my head down at night -- was this a day well lived? what stopped it from being one? i pray. and i look to those far wiser than i am. i lean on my husband. and i try to make new mistakes (not, for the millionth time, think i can continue to not make time for exercise & be happy). i'm trying to pay attention & be honest with myself.

there are days i don't get the emails out i want to, we do frozen pizza (again), we give up on a project or i disappoint a friend. there are days i lose my patience, say something to ryan i wish i could take back or know my third cold this winter is my body's way of telling me i need to slow down.

this is the plight for our generation (especially, i'd say, for women) -- never before have we lived in such a connected, demanding world. the funny thing when i step back and think about why i really love the blogs i do -- is because they illuminate simplicity -- camping. cooking a good meal. getting outside. making something. living simply so others can simply live. those things were much more of a given a few generations ago, now it's almost rebellious to make them a regular part of your life. ("you're going to go off the grid every weekend?!") 

i don't know about you, but we're taking it one day at a time. ok readers, would love to know your thoughts! (p.s. love this quote)

it's my birthday.

 

 

like most december birthdays, i was pretty adamant as a child about the importance of my birthday. (going so far as to tell random people discussing christmas in department stores, "FIRST my birthday, THEN christmas") well, at the ripe age of 27 that has changed a little, but i couldn't resist finding a bunch of lovely birthday images on pinterest & sharing 27 things i love with you (& links to a ton of related posts!):

1. a perfect latte in a coffee shop with lots of character.

2. yoga after a lloonngg day.

3. movies with the husband. in a theater, on our couch, i love escaping with him & getting to talk about it after.

4. haribo gummy bears & cherry twizzlers

5. visiting friends. walking their streets. eating in their restaurants. having 6 or so meals and three or so coffees to REALLY catch up.

6. road trips, no matter the distance.

7. what ryan calls "mary places" -- patachou in naptown, o'suzannah in c'ville, boot in norfolk, duh in pensacola, church key in dc, i could go on. i love finding new ones, visiting tried and true ones, getting lost.

8. my brother. he's hilarious. more on that soon - a special johno santa edition.

9. the 11 or so girls who i go through life with. they live in atlanta, c'ville, new orleans, chapel hill, boston, boise, dc, dallas, denver, san fran, athens and we email/play phone tag/bbm/text/visit/send smoke signals/send mail/remember the important days/make time when it doesn't exist/go out of our way and in the end, we're doing this together and it is so, so good.

10. really good worship. being a part of a church that exists for broken people and has a heart for the community it lives in.

11. pancakes.

12. having people in our home. for dinner. for the weekend. as a respite. to celebrate. i love, love, love opening our door and having a really broad definition of family. i'm blessed that ryan feels the same way.

13. places that are so grounding: culver, indiana & charlottesville, virginia most of all.

14. seeing my friends loved well. one joy i didn't anticipate about this time in life is what a deep joy it is to see your friend loved well. i am so, so emotional at weddings. i have such an appreciation for what a young marriage takes & just how heartbreaking it can be when you enter that covenant with the wrong person. i love how my friend's husbands become dear friends & watching them navigate life side by side.

15. service members & their families. .

16. chicago & san fran -- my two favorite cities ever.

17. this blog. going on a year & it has been such a great space for creativity, to meet wonderful people like you, and to tell a story.

18. j. crew. i can't help it. i just love their clothes.

19. christmas: lights. music. cooking. family. giving. meaning. the whole thing.

20. my family -- i am so blessed.

21. that kinda laughter -- the kind where you can't talk and can barely take a breath.

22. those kind of conversations -- the ones you can't forget.

23. a really good book.

24. really worthy causes: education reform, wounded veterans finding their sense of purpose here at home, finding a cure for parkinson's disease. 

25. creative, beautiful design: in homes, for a celebration.

26. generosity.

27. being ryan's wife and going through life with him. there aren't words.

far from perfect.

my biggest concern with this blog is that somehow our lives comes off as perfect, tied neatly in a bow. it's really important to me that you know i cook terrible meals, have totally uncreative moments, let my house get messy (pipe down peanut gallery ryan & lizzie -- i do!! :), say mean things, have frozen pizza for dinner quite often, have big doubts about the balance in my life, and ryan & i get in fights. my guess is if i blogged about that all the time, this would stop being a moment of joy in your busy lives, and, well, life is tough enough. so, i try to keep a balance between being transparent (see my failure dinner post...) and also knowing this blog can be a bright, loving moment in a sometimes tough world.

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first year as a navy wife.

i've mentioned before that me being a military wife was far from am obvious conclusion. i'm scared of guns, loud noises, and men in uniform. i had all the respect in the world for the men & women who were brave enough to put on the uniform and serve their country and was incredibly proud of my grandfather who served in the navy in WWII, but it was not a part of my daily life. then, i meet this amazing guy who decided at 17 he wanted to serve his country, endured four years at the naval academy (no walk in the park), two years of rigorous flight training, and now has an eight year commitment to the navy. i couldn't imagine my life without him, and that meant i couldn't imagine my life without the navy.

i wish i had a neat and tidy lesson from this year of being a navy wife and my path here, but instead, all i have are stories:

when ryan & i started dating, he was in his last year at the naval academy. i will never forget my first time there and walking around thinking "i didn't even know this world existed!!" i was struck a hundred times by how different his college experience was from mine (he was behind a gate all week, every week; had to run 10 miles in the dead of winter with a 40 pound pack on his back ... need i keep going?) i would sometimes drive out to the academy in the middle of week from d.c. to bring him pizza or pumpkin bread and beyond falling in love with him, i was just so grateful he would go through all this to keep us safe. 

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first year of marriage.

one of my childhood friends got married in august -- it coincided with ryan's winging, so we couldn't get back to indiana for it, but luckily my parents went and gave me a complete play-by-play. the groom's father gave some thoughts on marriage and what he said ended up being my big epiphany that finally helped me articulate what i've felt this whole first year of marriage. he said that marriage is of course about quality time, but it actually sort of bucks the idea of quality over quantity, because quantity of time matters a lot in marriage. 

marriage is not just about one magical dinner a week where you have the perfect conversation and look smashing. it's about all the absolutely small, ordinary, mundane moments in life. it's about being there when life is not perfect or magical or even really fun. it's about paying bills and running errands and sitting down after a terrible day to try to figure it out. it's about biting off more than you can chew and having someone to help you try to get it all done any way. it's about realizing it's impossible to be the best version of yourself 24/7 and that the other person still loves you when you're a grouch, selfish or down right rude. it's about taking a big chunk of your free time to do something for someone who is important to them, because that's enough to make it important to you too. it's about having a runny nose and not being showered or even out of sweatpants and him still thinking you look beautiful. it's about grace and understanding and forgiveness on a level you've never needed before. it's about inside jokes and a silent understanding and knowing each other in a way only marriage can lead to. ryan & my marriage feels more solid when we're getting that quantity of time. when i've been traveling a lot or he's been on base 16 hours a day, i feel it in our marriage. a few meals a week isn't enough, we need the breadth and depth of time to grow closer. it's why we wake up next to each other, share a fridge, have joint responsibilities, take on one another's families -- that quantity of time is what is making our marriage.

i'm really blessed in that may parents have been married 31 years and my grandparents have been married 61 years and i have these amazing examples of what a marriage can be. remember how i told you that my parents meet for lunch sometimes? (even though they have breakfast & dinner together most days) well, i see in their marriages how that quantity of time has led to strength in their bond.

the elephant in the room, which will be my next post, is that by the very nature of ryan being a navy pilot, we will be spending significant time apart. we will be on opposite sides of the world and that quantity of time will be, in many ways, impossible. but just as we both fight for that quantity of time together now (& it's never going to just happen) we'll do that during deployments. we will make the time for skype and to write letters and to share things that allow us to continue to go through life together. and it will make us more present and grateful for the times we are in the same place. 

we're far from having this all figured out (& i think my grandparents would say they're still figuring it out), but i can literally feel the character of the quantity of time we have had this first year of our marriage. we're not the same as we were a year ago, in some ways, we're really different. and, i absolutely love it.

alright, newlyweds, got any other thoughts? xo

so pretty, by erika.

my sweet, unbelievably wise friend erika sent me this amazing email after my "so pretty" post. i read it and immediately felt like i shouldn't be the only one who gets to benefit from her perspective. so i asked her if she would allow me to share it with you and she was kind enough to say yes. without further adieu ...

"I think about the idea of affirmation a lot, too.  And I think about how much my heart aches when I walk by those teenage girls in the mall where you can almost feel the judgment around them and the girl on the date with the desperate look of anxiety.  And I think about what causes this – and other things, too. Like why so many fabulous women fall for men who will make their life harder than it already is.  And why so many beautiful women starve themselves.  Or why on earth women can be some of the most challenging bosses for women at work (sometimes I want to shake them from the shoulders and say “aren’t we in this thing called life together? Don’t you already know so much about me without even knowing me? Let’s lift each other UP!”)

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