what you can do to help.

  

 

As I mentioned up front, each of you is reading these posts from a different perspective – some of you are service members or military spouses who already know intimately or will know soon what a deployment feels like; some of you are family members of service members/spouses; others are friends hoping to better understand; some are just curious about military life or how newlyweds/new parents navigate something like this.

I thought it might be helpful to specifically list some of the things that were most helpful to me during this deployment. As I’ve said numerous times, we would not have made it without the incredible generosity of family, friends & strangers. Please also know this list is unique to me – every military spouse needs different things, so please view this list as instructive, not prescriptive:

One big picture thought -- a military wife wrote a post a few months ago saying she loved a “don’t ask, just tell” policy. I love that. It is REALLY hard to ask for help. This is embedded in our “can do” culture and certainly even more prevalent with military wives who just LOVE to convince themselves they can do anything. I got A LOT better at asking for and accepting help through this deployment. It was humbling and a real point of growth for me. That said, I’m so, so, so grateful for the friends who insisted on things – they just showed up to mow our lawn, or with food or to watch Ellie. Here are some really practical ways you can support a military family through a deployment:

GRAB YOUR CAMERA/IPHONE

Take photos or videos you can send to the service member – 95% of the photos/videos I sent to Ryan were of Ellie (because I was behind the camera!). He specifically asked me to try to get more of both of us so he could see our interactions/his wife too. I was so grateful to the friends who would take those for us.

FEED THEM & SEND THEM HOME WITH LEFTOVERS

Be mindful of bedtimes (to everyone willing to eat at 5:30 so I could get E home for bed, or even come to my house & cook so I could have some company post 7 p.m. – thank you!!). I’ll never forget when a friend dropped off baked goods on my porch with a note – such a pick-me-up in the middle of a week. Even little pick me ups – dropping off a latte or ice cream can be such a high point in another long week of deployment.

ASK HOW SERVICE MEMBER IS

It took me a while to realize this, but it was so wonderful when people really asked how Ryan was – and not with a tone that assumed he was miserable. It’s important to know that while Ryan was sad to be away from friends & family for months on end – he was excited to deploy. He had trained for years and was eager to serve. It also struck me how rarely people asked about him, or when they did, it was with his grave sounding tone in their voice. I was so grateful to those who genuinely wanted to know how he was, hear about his adventures or learn more about his experience.

CALL WHEN YOU'RE HEADED TO GROCERY/TARGET

Going to get a gallon of milk with a six month old is a production! I was so grateful when someone could grab the one thing I’d forgotten (& these days I almost always leave one critical thing off my list). One of Ryan’s good friends called every single week when he was headed to the Commissary (i.e. Navy grocery store). Even when I didn’t need anything, it made me smile to get his “hey Mary, this is my weekly commissary run!” voicemail.

THINK NIGHTS & WEEKENDS

For most families I know, those are the hardest/longest times – visit/call/text to check in/issue invitations then.

COME VISIT & PITCH IN

Book a plane ticket to come visit – E & I travelled a lot, and that was really fun, but I was also so grateful to the friends who were willing to come to us. It gave E some consistency & allowed me to get things done around the house. To the friends who showed up and instinctively tackled the pile of dirty dishes, started doing laundry, helped me stake my tomatoes, vacuumed my floors, took Ellie on a walk so I could sleep in – I love you. Truly.

HOLD THE BABY

To the friends who were SO EXCITED to hold Ellie – who played with her, took her on walks, gave my arms a break, showered her with love – thank you, it meant more than you’ll ever know. I was especially grateful to the guys who did that. It was so important to us that Ellie continued to get consistent guy time & I just loved the men/dads who saw Ellie and immediately asked to hold her.

ENCOURAGEMENT

It’s hard to put into words how much pressure you feel as a brand new parent taking care of a baby on your own for months on end – it is so easy to feel guilty/apply undue pressure/feel like you’re screwing it all up. As I’ve mentioned, Ryan was an amazing support, so incredibly present in our lives, but I had so many days where I wondered if I was doing anything right. I was terribly insecure about her separation anxiety or if she was getting enough rest or what on earth her “schedule” should be. One of the kindest things people did for me was reassure me. I’ll never forget the nursery worker at church, who no doubt had endured some serious crying from Ellie, who told me how much she loved spending time with her. Or the dear friend who was watching Ellie texting me to say what a great time they were having. Or my mom telling me how proud she was of me and what a good mother I was. I soaked up these small comments, tucked them away, and they made all the difference.

KEEP CHECKING IN

Honestly, there were lots of people reaching out right after Ryan left, and just before he got home -- there were many fewer when we were about two-thirds of the way through -- and Ryan needed emails of enouragement and I needed help with Ellie then more than ever during that time. Mark it on your calendar to call/text/come over once a month or offer that meal in the middle of deployment, when most others have moved on.

Here's the thing -- if every close friend and family member just went out of their way during a deployment just ONE time, our military families would be well cared for. You don't need to turn your life upside down to care for military families in your life -- just commit to actually going out of your way one time during a deployment and be open that it might be an unusual act of service that really helps the most. If you can go beyond that one act, consider calling/texting the spouse a few times over the course of the deployment and sending the service member a few emails with news from home -- those were such an encouragement to ryan & me.

*above photos are of some of the people who loved us so, so, so well during this deployment.

if you're just joining this series, my husband just got home from his first deployment, you can find the intro post here & all the posts here!

the first month.

Ryan’s departure was so fast, that it felt like it took awhile for it to sink in for me. I fully anticipated to be sobbing at the airport and through much of that first week – in fact, it was alarming to me when I wasn’t. All my military wife friends described crying until it felt like there were no more tears – and so when I didn’t, I felt like maybe there was something wrong.

It took me a while to realize a few things – First, I had cried like that, it just had been early – closer to when Ellie was born than when he actually left. Secondly, many of those women had husbands deploying under much different circumstances – a few days after they were married, a few weeks before the birth of a first child, completely unexpectedly entirely – & in those situations, there was much to grieve immediately.

We were tremendously blessed to have two and a half years of marriage, the entire pregnancy, and Ellie’s first four months of life without him deploying – I know few, if any, military families who had that luxury. We knew to be grateful for it. Thirdly, I think it was so normal for him to be gone – he’s often gone for days or weeks at a time, that I couldn’t really convince myself or wrap my head around the idea of six months. Finally, I had a ton of distractions (I intentionally planned it that way). When he left, we immediately went to the North Carolina mountains to be with dear friends; the following weekend, my brother came in to help me with a few things & hang out with his niece; after that we went to Dallas – not to mention the tremendous support we received from neighbors and friends. They stopped by with food, offered to grab things at the grocery, watched Ellie so I could do to yoga, and invited us over for dinner.

Looking back, I think my personality really played into this – I’m fiercely optimistic, love a challenge & take so much joy in loving on Ryan and Ellie – those things propelled me through the first part of deployment. What I found was as we came around to the third month, as extensions loomed on the horizon & it felt like there was no end in sight, that energy seemed like it took a lot more to muster.

That said, what was true is that those first four weeks felt incredibly long (they indeed indended up being the longest weeks of deployment for me) – two weeks in, I felt like I could barely remember what it was like to have Ryan around, to see him hold Ellie or hug him at the end of the day. I couldn’t imagine we’d be apart for many more months – it already seemed so impossibly long. I spent a lot of time trying to make that chunk of time seem shorter – it’s only 24 weeks, so in 24 more Sundays at church &, he’ll be home. I tried to say, well, I just need to get through July, because then it’ll be August and it’ll only be two months. I looked at the calendar, gave myself pep talks & clung to rose colored glasses for dear life. At the same time, I knew it was a marathon, not a sprint – and tried to pace myself, getting better at asking for help, taking care of myself & resting when I could.

I also had what felt like rites of passage as a military wife – like everyone told me, I had hundreds of dollars of car work done within a week of him leaving (I hadn’t needed anything other than routine maintenance in 6 years!!!); actually got a cavity filled while holding Ellie because she was so hysterical in her stroller.  I got a pretty terrible haircut that bummed me out. I learned I could handle a blow out diaper, with lots of cold groceries, in a car, on a 90+ degree day.

The first time I really started to lose it was about a month in – it was our first quiet weekend. On Friday I realized I didn’t even know it was the weekend because in so many ways, every day felt like ground hog day. Saturday, I thought E had an ear infection, needed to make a thousand decisions about starting her on solids and baby gates (all I wanted was to bounce those decisions off Ryan) & was stressed about money (deployment pay takes a while to kick in and the pain of going down to one salary at the same time you have a baby was really setting in).

So, I think I’ve “got it together” and then Saturday night E didn’t sleep that well. We get to church Sunday morning and honestly, I just needed an hour to worship without holding a squirming five month old. At the time, E was hot or cold about other people taking care of her – either it went pretty well or she was hysterical/inconsolable. Well, this Sunday, she was inconsolable. When they came to get me out of the sanctuary, I started to feel the tears well up, then as I held her crying, I felt like we both were just missing Ryan so much. Even though I knew I could console her, it felt like who we both needed was half way around the world.  On the way back to the sanctuary, I stepped in a room to get it together, give E some hugs & take a moment to reassure us both. We walked back in the sanctuary to the congregation singing “How Great is Our God…”  and I cried again. Those tears just needed to come & in an odd way, felt good when they did.

That night, some sweet friends brought over dinner & installed the baby gates for me. I took a deep breath, emailed Ryan, and began another week.

in above photos elie naps on my lap before our trip home from dallas -- sweet girl.

if you're just joining this series, my husband just got home from his first deployment, you can find the intro post here & all the posts here!

practical things we did for ellie.

as ryan & I prepared for, & navigated, this first deployment, one of our very top priorities was ellie. every deployment with kids is different -- depending on their age, where you are geographically & your communication abilities with the service member. i thought it might be helpful to share some of the tools we used to navigate a six month deployment with a four to ten month old: 

Click to read more ...

"family photos"

a lot of deployment is making adjustments in how you think about things. one wonderful one for me was realizing we could still take family photos! (it was just going to be a tad different than normal).

so, while we were skyping, i'd just take a screen shot (command+shift+4 on macs!). they became such cherished images for me. despite thousands of miles between us, when i look at these, all i see is our little family hanging out. as a side note, ryan & ellie have a way of communicating with facial expressions that i'm not in on. it's. the. cutest. thing. ever.

p.s. we often lost connection 30+ times during these conversations, they were often blurry or there was a delay -- i often woke up at 4 a.m. to talk with ryan -- and every single time it was worth it. they were few and far between, but they kept me going.

if you're just joining this series, my husband just got home from his first deployment, you can find the intro post here & all the posts here!

godspeed.

when I first started dating Ryan, and he’d be in uniform or there was some need for him to show his military id card, often people would thank him for his service. it was always neat to see this intimate exchange between two otherwise strangers or passerbyers – they seemed so genuinely grateful, even though they’d just met him.

the most poignant instances were when young kids would thank him or older Americans (many clearly of the WWII generation). the one time it made me cry, we were on a plane to Indiana & upon learning he was in the Navy, this older woman reached over and touched his hand as tears welled in her eyes. “Thank you for your service young man.” the depth to which she clearly meant those seven words brought tears to my eyes.

what moved me the week he deployed – as we ran into friends, received a few letters & emails, or had conversations with strangers about his upcoming deployment, was so many of them ended those conversations by telling ryan one thing: “godspeed.”

it seemed so incredibly appropriate – the perfect, simple sentiment for the moment. We’re blessed to live on a street and in a neighborhood with lots of military families – I loved their enthusiasm in their goodbye to him. They’d say things like: “see you soon!” or “have fun!” We so appreciated their deep understanding that while there would be many tough parts of deployment, this was also what Ryan had been training for & was rightfully exciting for him.

i’ve spent most of my life wanting to know the right word for a situation, that week, it seemed like “godspeed” might be it. 

absolutely stunning photos of the flag are by my dear friend beth, who generously offered to let me share them with you -- her blog is not to be missed!

if you're just joining this series, my husband just got home from his first deployment, you can find the intro post here & all the posts here!

a week to get ready.

I think if you’d told me a scenario of having one weeks notice of a deployment – I’d imagine a chaotic, tear filled, running around like chicken with its head cut off situation. I’m an optimistic person, but that wouldn’t sound like my dream week. And yet, it so many ways, it was. It was a week really well lived. Here’s why:

First, it put everything in perspective. There were a finite number of hours, so it forced us to decide what was really important to do before he left. The things that made the list were everything from: three date nights (thanks to generous babysitting friends); to me writing cards for Ryan to take with him; getting family photos taken; making packing a family adventure; Ellie & Ryan getting some father daughter time; and a few pressing house items. The rest fell away – I didn’t blog or answer emails or worry about a clean house. The rest of the list was sidelined. Every time we had a choice that included quality time together, we made it. We were REALLY present.

We still had a lot to do – our attic was transformed into a massive staging area for packing, we logged a few hours in the legal office on base finalizing Ryan’s will, and another few waiting with him on medical appointments, but we were focused on spending time together, no matter where that meant we hung out.

Secondly, we felt so well loved. Our friends & family rallied around us in so many ways – we could literally feel their prayers, we accepted their help without hesitation & soaked up all their encouragement. Generous friends brought us dinner one night, others babysat so we could go on a few date nights, another sent us a sweet care package with individual letters for each of us. They cheered us on. Our neighbors offered to mow the grass & reminded Ryan they’d take care of us while he was away. My brother offered to come down Memorial Day weekend to finish up the list of to-do’s we just weren’t going to get to. Dear friends invited E & me to the mountains that weekend after he deployed. Friends invited us to visit and booked plane tickets to come visit and help me out with E for all the months ahead. We felt a flood of support surround us.

Finally, our little family, well, the three of us took care of each other. Ellie decided to learn how to giggle on a night when we really needed to hear a baby laugh. The morning before he left, Ryan woke up early with Ellie & took her to run a few errands/swing by the squadron so I could get a little extra sleep & they could get some quality time together. When our porch swing literally collapsed on the three of us (we were fine), we found humor in it. The night we were in NYC, we needed to be in our hotel room by 8 p.m. so sweet E could get some rest. That could have been a bummer, but instead Ryan went and got us Potbelly’s sandwiches & cookies and we sat on our big bed & had a date night (pretty special to be able to get your wedding night food on a random night!). Another night, we went on a date to the movies & I felt nauseous in the middle of it, so we went and sat in the parking lot & talked – it ended up being one of my favorite dates of all time.

I’m not being Pollyannaish about that week -- it was hard -- staring down six months apart (although we didn’t know it was going to be that long at the time – more on that in a future post!) is overwhelming; there were some really annoying things that had to get done & were more difficult than they should have been, but none of us wanted to waste time. We made the most of it, and for that I’m so, so grateful.

(the photo above was taken less than 24 hours before ryan deployed. ellie was the best distraction & we were so grateful to have these family photos taken on such short notice. we cherished them for our whole time apart. i truly cannot recommend strongly enough having family photos taken before a deployment, it is so, so important)

if you're just joining this series, my husband just got home from his first deployment, you can find the intro post here & all the posts here!

three years ago today.

three years ago today, we were getting married. in some ways, it seems like a million years ago (in a good way!) and in other ways i feel like it was yesterday -- maybe it will always feel that way?!

here are my thoughts on marriage from our first anniversary, second anniversary, and our big day in photographs. grateful to all of you who stood with us that day & continue to walk with us. i love being ryan's wife so much.

practical things we did for our marriage.

It feels only fitting on our third wedding anniversary (!!!!) that I share some of the really practical things we did for our marriage during this deployment. Many of these we learned from other military couples, some were just a part of who we are/how we love each other that we translated for this season in life & others were good habits from when we did long distance while we were dating/engaged. Here are the ones that mattered most to us: 

Click to read more ...

one week notice.

 

 

so, let’s start at the very beginning. Ryan was “supposed” to deploy the end of June/beginning of July, but instead in May, due to an unforeseen family emergency of another pilot, he deployed with one week’s notice. In so many ways, this was a blessing – it happened so quickly, it was like having a bandaid ripped off. It was his first deployment, so there had been plenty of anticipation already (five years worth…). This scenario meant we didn’t have time to dread the date he left, we had so much to do.

I’ll never forget when he sat me down to tell me. He had a glass of water ready & said all the right things. Namely, he told it to me straight and then pulled out a sheet of paper that enumerated everything he’d done since he found out to prepare us. He’d learned of the early departure two days earlier while was gone on some training. He worked his tail off to cross as many things as possible off what he correctly assumed would be my worry list in those two days. He took care of everything from lots of the deployment logistics (car insurance, life insurance, cell phone changes to policies); to calling my dad so my parents would have a head’s up and be ready to support me. I can’t put into words how grateful I was that he waited to tell me in person and for all he did to prepare in those two days.

What’s odd was the sense of calm that swept over me – I thought I might cry or panic a bit, but I just felt this sense of “this is meant to be, we can do this.” I could tell how much we needed to be “Team Yonkman” at that moment and knew our marriage had been prepared for this. We hugged and started talking through things. I want to say here, I’m not superwoman – I have cried PLENTY about this deployment. I focused almost all my post-pregnancy hormones on being sad about deployment – I’d see Ryan holding Ellie & it would break my heart to think of the months he wouldn’t be able to do that. Or, I’d be taking care of her & think it’d be impossible to not have him around for months. Even though we didn’t know the date he’d go, or that it would be earlier than anticipated – I knew it was coming. There were lots of tearful nights well in advance of this deployment.

So back to the moment he told me: The first big decision we needed to make was whether or not we would go on a previously scheduled trip to NYC that weekend. It was a trip we’d set up to see Ryan’s family before his deployment, but we hadn’t anticipated it would being days before he actually had to leave. We both agreed we needed to go – that it was really important we get there, but that the trip would need to look a little different. We’d need to be doing a lot of things for deployment from the road and carve out more time for the three of us than we might otherwise.

The first thing I really wanted to do was email the girls who I go through life with. As soon as I even began processing this, I knew it would be a great comfort to just know they knew what was happening. I couldn’t have begun to imagine how they would mobilize to support us – but more on that in an upcoming post!

We then decided we were both hungry (when in doubt or distress: eat!) so we took a family walk to our favorite neighborhood spot to eat. There was this really funny moment when we were waiting on our food & have this winding conversation through all sorts of things that were coming to mind as this news soaked in – all of the sudden I realized the woman behind the counter was trying to get my attention, “Ma’am, I’m SO, SO sorry … but we don’t have apples for your salad. Is that ok?” I literally just started laughing & reassured her that I’d really be fine without the apples. It became our little joke for the next week – not having apples for my salad was pretty insignificant in comparison to everything else going on. It gave us perspective.

As we sat down to eat, Ryan was holding Ellie. I took some videos and photos & just really soaked up watching those two together. It’s hard to put into words how much Ellie helped during this week – her sweet spirit, watching her take in new things & how quickly she could focus us on what mattered. The most amazing thing to me about that week from the time Ryan told me to when he left was that time actually felt slow. I thought it would go by in a blink of an eye, but instead, it seemed to stretch on. The days were long. It was really, really sweet time for our family of three.

photos above are from our attic, which became the staging area for getting ryan packed quickly -- and of his trusting packing partner, our sweet four month old ellie. these became some of my favorite images of that week.

if you're just joining this series, my husband ryan just got home from his first deployment, you can find the intro post here & all the posts here!

a note to ryan.

sweet readers, I’d like to begin this series on our first deployment with a note to my husband. what I want to say to him after six months apart is going to be hard to put into words, but I’m going to try. i'm beginning here, because i don't know a more transparent way to begin this series & i want so much to set that tone. i’ll do my best to steer clear of sappiness, but I make no promises!

ryan,

from the moment I met you, this whole military thing was a learning curve. whether it was going to the silent drill team evening at the Iwo Jima memorial on one of our first dates (i was totally in awe, but the loud noise of the cannon scared me a bit!); visiting you at the naval academy (which felt a little like landing on Mars for me); or just slowly hearing your reasons for deciding to serve after 9/11 and experiences while in the navy, I’ve constantly been growing deeper both in my understanding of this life and my gratitude for your willingness to serve. as I see what this life really requires, i am overwhelmed with appreciation for what you and every other service member does for this country.

what strikes me at the end of our first deployment is what military service looks like on a daily basis. What I mean is this: yes, it was amazing to watch you take your oath of office. I’ve absolutely cherished the chance to watch you get promoted or get your wings – and those Navy traditions move me and remind me why we are on this journey – but what really sticks with me is what this life looks like on every other day. it’s those daily sacrifices, requirements of your job and realities that have made the biggest impression upon me. at the end of this deployment, what I want you to know is pretty simple: I love you. I am so very proud of you. I am here & always will be.

I knew this life required a lot when we shifted our wedding date & honeymoon date multiples times for the “needs of the Navy.” I knew there was a different way of defining a purpose or “job” when there clearly are easier ways to earn your paycheck than the hours you put in. I started to realize that your job was different when you left every morning in a flight suit with dog tags around your neck instead of a suit and tie. It’s become normal that we can’t make plans more than 24 hours in advance because that’s when the flight schedule comes out. I’m used to you crawling into bed at 3 a.m. only to be out the door again by 7 a.m. and for that to happen fairly often.

as challenging as these past six months have been, as much as they have required of our family, and as much as I have truly missed you, I’m so grateful for this life. I know that while there will be times when being a military family will push us to the end of our ropes (& beyond), but I deeply believe that in the end, it will show up on the asset side of our marriage, of our kid’s childhoods, of the story of our family.

I believe this because of what I see each day – how intentional it makes us about our marriage; the awareness it raises about how truly precious the time we do have together is; how it has shaped the husband and father you are in such wonderful ways; & because of the community it has surrounded us with.

I feel so blessed to be on this road with you. I know I will never really understand what these six months looked and felt like for you. I can’t imagine what it was like to become a father, and four short months later, go to the opposite side of the globe, where you could not hold a baby for the next six months, let alone your own sweet baby girl. I can't understand what you saw or how isolating it must have been or how it felt to not see anything familiar for so long. for all the small, and really big sacrifices you made, I am so truly grateful. I really believe your willingness to serve is the greatest act of love you could give Ellie & me.

the other Sunday in church, we were singing, “He is faithful.” when we were singing over & over again the simple words “He is faithful, He is faithful…” I was struck by how much those words really resonated with my heart in that moment – that God has provided so very much for us in this season of life. how He met us at every painful moment of this deployment; how He gave us the provisions we needed – of encouragement, love, and care, when we needed them most; how He strengthened our marriage; grew Ellie in such incredible ways and kept us focused on team yonkman, no matter how many miles separated us.

we are so excited to have you home!!!!!!! we love you so, so very much. we are so proud of you.

love, mare

*photo above was taken less than 24 hours before ryan deployed -- it was my desktop image for the whole deployment & such an encouragement to me. if you can possibly capture a marriage in a photograph -- this feels like ours to me.

if you're just joining this series, my husband just got home from his first deployment, you can find the intro post here & all the posts here!