all the single ladies.
months ago (like july, eeps), i got an email from a reader & dear friend in real life. i've thought about it a gazillion times since then & am finally going to do my best to answer it.
"dear t&f, I have finally caught up on the June/July postings and would like to thank you for all the lovely work you do!! I am about 87% inspired to do something similar, but due to my hectic schedule, short attention span, computer illiteracy, and inability to see any of my projects through, I fear I'd just be a disappointment. I do have a question/idea--or maybe better put--a problem for you to tackle! (really, it might be a doosey for you to figure out) What about all the single gals??!?! Any suggestions for us?? Do you know of a blog where we can find handsome, funny, chivalrous, wannabe family men to go?? Or do we give up and just start nesting by ourselves (I get the house-purchasing-itch every time I read t&f)?? Start picking cats up off the street? Take up an interest in knitting??--which I'm actually seriously considering, after your post from NYC. This is all in jest of course,...but seriously...t&f always makes me a little sad that life plan #1 never quite materialized. Should I feel sad about that?? Is there a way to feel that content-and-settled-yet-excited-about-the-future the way you are with Ryan, when all I really want to do is hit the PAUSE button until Mr. Right comes along. Did any of that make sense? Feel free to reply if you need clarification. I just wanted to see what your sunshiney take on single life was."
i'm totally unqualified to answer this awesome question, but hope in my ramblings, some of you will find something useful. numbers help me think:
1. wherever you're living, make it your space. before i married ryan, i lived in d.c. in this amazing little studio apartment in georgetown. as i've been thinking about this post, i keep picturing that apartment. i moved to d.c. after the most painful season in my life so far, and so that space became a sanctuary for me. after looking at 40+ apartments, i finally found the perfect one for me. nestled at the corner of 32nd and r, across the street from the amazing dumbarton oaks gardens, and a short walk to the wonders of M street and wisconsin (not to mention whole foods, glover park, etc....) my little studio had just been redone -- fresh paint on the walls, a newly renovated bathroom with a skylight, an amazing little galley kitchen with new appliances, and french doors to give the bedroom a bit of privacy, but keep all the light coming in the windows bouncing around the place. i could clean the whole thing top to bottom in an hour, parking was right outside, i had amazing running routes in every direction & i made the space into my own.
i had ikea furniture -- billy bookcases (which we still have & love) & my desk was two ikea file cabinets with a top (still is, love it). but i also made investments -- i bought a GOOD bed (we humans spend a lot of time sleeping!); and though 99% of my kitchen was from target, i bought two sets of anthropologie dishes in a pattern i adored when they went on sale. i found an antique nightstand i loved. i had nice towels. i balanced being newly out of college, in a big city, on a budget, with not wanting to feel like everything i was buying was a starter kit to tide me over until i "grew up." all those things i invested in are things ryan & i still have. i still love them.
so, my first bit of advice is to invest in the place you call home. have the people you love over to visit. make it a space that warms your heart to look back on. and for pete's sake take photos of it because holy moly writing this post made me realize i don't have any photos of that wonder of an apartment i lived in for two years!!
2. do what is possible & that you love in this season of life. whether that's taking a trip to italy with your best friend; going kayaking in british columbia with your dad; taking that assignment with work out of the country for a few months; have a west wing or downton abby marathon weekend; eating apples with peanut butter, wheat thins, hummus, and ben & jerry's s'mores ice cream most nights for dinner; going to yoga three times a week; taking that painting class; switching jobs, again; splurging on those j.crew flats; leaving on a spontaneous road trip with five minutes notice; staying up all night ... there will be something you love right now or something you've always wanted to do that your life currently has the time & space for, that in that life you're hoping will start any minute (dating someone, marrying someone, starting a family, a new job, a new city), won't be possible or nearlyas easy.
in fact, all of the items above would be pretty hard for me to do right now & sound pretty fun to me! aside from staying up all night with a baby, the season of life i just entered means most of the above things are on the back burner. i know the grass is always greener, but we miss so much by constantly anticipating the next season in life, instead of soaking up what is possible right now.
i am terrible about this: when i was growing up, we remodelled our house. for the renovation, i was going to need to move my bedroom to the basement for a few months. i got so excited about this that i moved down a few weeks early. of course, half way thru the renovation, living in the basement got really old & i desperately wanted my room back. if i'd only stayed in my room until the renovation actually began, i wouldn't have made myself so miserable. i've done this countless times in my life. right now, i'll be nursing ellie & mentally running thru my to do list and think "as SOON as she falls asleep, i'm going to put her down in her crib." then i remember i'm going to blink & be dropping her off at college, so maybe i should hold on a bit longer.
in a nut shell, if you're bummed the life you want hasn't started yet, find one thing you can do right now that may not be possible in that next season of life & do it. at the very least, you'll be more interesting when you do meet "the one," get that job, move to that city.
3. be very, very choosy of whom you go through life with. i do happen to think ryan is handsome, chivalrous, funny & a family man :), but he's certainly not the only one out there. they may be few and far between, and certainly hard to find, but they're more than worth the wait. i realize this is very easy for me to say when i found mine at 26, but i don't think it makes it any less true. the reason why has little to do with the good ones, or the search to find them, and much to do with what happens when you choose the wrong one.
just as marriage has the power to be an incredible bond, a friendship beyond what you knew possible, and a comfort in all seasons, a bad marriage can hurt you in ways you didn't know possible, make you lonelier than you ever thought possible & darken your world. the reality is tough times are going to come -- you're going to lose a parent or a job or a child, you're going to confront an unexpected illness, you're going to feel despair, you're going to need to have someone you know won't give up on you. the right spouse is never going to be perfect, or know all the right things to say or meet all your needs, but they're going to be there, try really hard, & quite often be the only one who can comfort you quite like that.
when you're thinking about your life's partner, think about who you want sitting next to you at a funeral; who you want to stand beside in the hallway of a hospital as you get the worse of news; who you wouldn't be bored of after 27 years of dinners at the same table; find someone who you want to do 3 a.m. diaper changes with. it's easy to find someone to go on vacation with, or be your date to a wedding or graduation, or who you can have semi-interesting conversations with on a regular basis, it's harder to find someone for all seasons.
tim keller is one of my favorite thinkers on marriage, and i've always loved this quote of his: "if the purpose of marriage, if the thing that is really essential, is companionship, then you need to find somebody who understands you, who looks in the center of your life and doesn't yawn or laugh, but says wow."
thanks for reading, xo.
image above, here.
big ideas Tuesday, January 17, 2012 at 7:45PM
Reader Comments (15)
Oh my goodness! I always enjoy reading your blog, but this post is particularly captivating. I'm a senior in high school, so while I'm not actually looking to settle down (my next step is going to college!), this is something great to read just for future reference. I love what you said about taking advantage of the time during which you have nothing tying you down. So true! Change is perfect for that period of one's life, especially because (as you pointed out) it certainly makes your life more interesting. It's been pretty difficult to just sit down and really *read* something lately, since classes drag on with constant interpretation of our current literature assignment (King Lear). Thank you so much for writing! I'm definitely sharing this with my friends.
P.S. Did you attend Georgetown? Or is that just where you moved? I've applied and would love to go there, if only because the surrounding area is incredible.
Oh Mary, you have an uncanny habit of happening to write exactly what I need to read at the precise moment in my life that I most need to read it. Thank you, as always, for your wisdom, your perspective, and your genuine honesty. You are truly one of a kind. xoxo
I second #3 above. My aunt is 60 and has been with the love of her life for two years. She spent most of her 58 years living a single and very satisfying life. When I asked her how she stayed happy without settling down until this late in life she said, "I never searched for my prince charming. I just lived my life open to the possibility of us meeting one day." Amen! I love that she lived her life and let love happen, as frustrating as it may have been for her at times.
Sometimes, for me, the anticipation of what will or should come next can be overwhelming and can be a burden on the here and now. I'm attempting to adopt a more "let life happen" approach, and I appreciate your post echoing some of these sentiments.
Such a wonderful post! I needed this to be able to slow down and appreciate what I have that is positive in my life. Thank you so much!
I met my fiance on Catholic Match, and you are exactly right about waiting!
I *love* this post. I feel like so many ladies get so caught up in feeling like they are waiting for good life things to happen. Waiting for that permanent place so they can hang pictures and what not.
I actually just wrote a posting myself in a similar-ish light. I had been waiting to post it for no good reason but after reading your post. I got all fired up and stayed up to post it. So thank you :)
Also, please tell your friend to blog! Postings even few and far between are great to re-read and reflect on further down the road.
Link to that post:
http://www.hopelesslytechie.com/2012/01/its-time.html
beautiful post! Thank you!
My favorite post yet. Not to mention one that is particularly hitting home with me right now. I just entered a new relationship and the BIGGEST issue I always have in the beginning is that I don't feel interesting enough. My life experiences have been pretty lackluster and instead of devoting my time to making new memories, I spend too much time contemplating my future. There is no better relationship advice than to focus on creating a life of your own before you jump into one with someone else. Thank you for the post.
Wonderful, thank you. And thank your friend. I wish her the best of luck!
Love, love, love this post. I'm struggling with some major life decisions right now, most importantly whether to stay in a long-term relationship that may not be a "forever" relationship, even though I am at the point where I thought I'd be about to get married... Your post reminded me to remember that we don't all need to reach our milestones at the "right" time, rather, what is right for us. Thank you for your insight & congratulations on your beautiful little girl.
I tend to be more of a reader than a commenter, but I really, really loved this post. Such good, strong words to think about when I'm at a very similar time in my life. I can tell that a lot of thought was put into it and I really appreciate it. Thanks!!
Mary - I haven't commented in a while, but always love reading your blog. Thank you for the insightful and inspirational post. I needed to hear those things. Love - Laura :)
Stumbled upon your blog a while ago and love your posts, but this was my favorite yet. It can be easy to get lost in the "if onlys" and thinking that things will be perfect as soon as some certain thing/step happens - this post was a wonderful reminder to live and love your life, as is, each moment. Ellie is very lucky to have a mother with such wise words of advice to share.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for this post. It is everything I needed to hear, even though I probably already know it, I just needed to hear again. Thank you for your honesty, your wisdom, and your willingness to share.
you changed my day, and for that I am so grateful.
A friend sent me your blog and I'm so grateful for this post! It really made an impression on me!
This is perhaps THE best bits of advice I've read in a long time and could be said to anyone at any stage in life; married, single, divorced, widowed, young, old, and so on. I hope your dear friend took this to heart and realizes that each life has its own path and only we can make it a happy one.