answer: long distance.
any advice for a long distance relationship? what tricks and tips can you offer readers (like me) who find themselves in long distance loves?
great question! ryan and I did some version of long distance for most of our relationship & we learned a lot along the way. a couple of things really stand out:
Do normal things. I think it's really important, especially if you're considering marriage, to know if you can do normal things together (run errands, cook, sit in the same room quietly doing different things) -- and long distance relationships make that really tough. Your time together is so precious and the reality is one of you is on vacation when you're together (& that makes the other person feel like they are to!). Growing up, my parents talked about when they were dating and my dad would drive up from Duke, where he was in law school, to visit my mom, who was working in DC. They would spend Saturday running errands. I remember being fascinated by that as a kid (just imagining your parents existed before you is crazy!) and as I got older, I appreciated what a foundation that laid for their marriage. It also speaks to the fact that my mom and I are unbelievably good at making lists and creating errands! Ryan & I would spend part of our visits grocery shopping, or Ryan would study and I would read, or we'd work on something together.
Read a book together while you're apart. What happens when you're long distance is when you talk, it often ends up being a re-cap of your day or the biggest things in your life. You lose the ability to experience things together (go for a walk, see a movie, etc.) We felt like it was important to keep experiencing things together, so we read books together. We'd decide to read a couple of chapters by a certain date, and then we'd talk about it. We read two books we really loved: Blue Like Jazz (which led to great conversations about our faith) & Michael J. Fox's Always Looking Up (which led to wonderful conversations on a lot of topics).
Speak love. Find ways to show your love -- texting, emailing, talking daily is definitely important, but we would also send letters from time to time, or care packages, or just try to surprise one another. One of my favorite times was when I was home for Christmas and going to breakfast with my best friend at our favorite place. We're getting ready to leave and she says, "oh, I have something for you from Ryan." She pulls out this box and inside was this amazing snow globe of D.C. He could have easily just sent it to my parent's house, but he went out of his way to surprise me and it meant so much.
for those of you who have been in long distance relationships, how did you make it work?
(photo from our early days in d.c. love it.)
Wed, February 2, 2011 at 4:00 AM
Reader Comments (12)
capturing a moment of fun perfectly...
Ingrid x
Great advice. I especially like the advice to do normal things, because it relieves the pressure to have every weekend together be perfect. It can just be normal!
love that picture!
What a great post! I really like your idea of doing normal things like errands.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years, and about 2 1/2 of that was cross country long distance. Thankfully we now live in the same city, but I definitely know how hard it is to make long distance work. We used to have Skype/ichat dates. We'd plan them in advance just like a regular date and sit and have dinner together or watch a movie together or just talk to each other. It's not the same, but sometimes it's so great just to see their face for a few minutes that it makes the distance seem not quite as far.
I love it Mary!! Spot on. This is all so true. I love having a wise friend like you :)
Such a fun photo :)
we did 3 1/2 years long distance plus deployments and while i already bombarded your email with my "long-distance deployments" thoughts, i think something that really helped us (that might help other readers) when we were in different cities was really get to know each other's friends. so instead of having "molly's jacksonville friends" and "dan's atlanta friends", they became "our friends". it is easy to want to spend all your time just with each other when visiting on the weekends but it was really important to go to out to dinner and meet up for brunch and hang out with the friends that we'd each made while living in our own separate cities doing completely separate jobs. now, "our" friends (who started out as my roommates or dan's colleagues) have become life-long friends) we've been in their weddings and gone on vacations together and gone through so many "life experiences" together- being newlyweds, experiencing deployments, planning weddings. now we look back on that time not as "wow we NEVER got to spend as much time together as we wanted" but rather "wow, look at all of these friends we never would have become close to were it not for that time in our lives we were long distance". if this advice helps even one person, that would be swell :)
happy wednesday, t&f readers!
My boyfriend and I have been long distance for three years now, and it definitely takes some work :) I completely agree with trying to do "normal" things when you're together, somehow it just makes it feel more real. We love love love skype. Like another reader commented, sometimes just being able to see the other person makes all the difference. Another fun thing we often do is a little Parenthood or Modern Family date. We both love these shows so we'll pick a night to watch an episode (gotta love hulu), grab a glass of wine, and either text or get on the phone so we can laugh and talk together while we watch. I've found that all the little things count a little more when you're long distance... thanks for all the great ideas :)
You got me reminiscing, Mary. I'll get there one day ;)
http://baylenmusic.squarespace.com/journal/2011/2/3/advice-on-love-not-from-me.html
My boyfriend and I were long-distance during summer breaks from college, and we did pretty much the same thing as you guys did! : ) except instead of reading books, we picked TV series on Netflix Instant to watch together at the same time.
Wow, I really enjoyed your post about long distance relationships. I find that my friends who are in relationships where they can spend time with their boyfriends daily, do not seem to understand my three year long distance relationship. I also enjoyed, like the people who commented before me, your focus on doing normal things. When we are together, we tend to want to savour the moments we have because we know there are so few, so it is a bit like a vacation. I've also found that it is really difficult to keep up with friends we've made separately, and who we keep separate because of the distance. In about 2 months I am moving back home and we will no longer be long distance, I just hope that transition goes smoothly, as I'm not sure if we will be able to get to that 'normal' phase in the relationship, and not simply the vacation-like weekends. I am head over heels in love with this man and I hope that our transition will work just as well as yours did!
ciara, what a thoughtful comment, i hope your transition goes really well -- it will be so wonderful to get to do all those normal things & be in the same place!