so pretty, by erika.

my sweet, unbelievably wise friend erika sent me this amazing email after my "so pretty" post. i read it and immediately felt like i shouldn't be the only one who gets to benefit from her perspective. so i asked her if she would allow me to share it with you and she was kind enough to say yes. without further adieu ...

"I think about the idea of affirmation a lot, too.  And I think about how much my heart aches when I walk by those teenage girls in the mall where you can almost feel the judgment around them and the girl on the date with the desperate look of anxiety.  And I think about what causes this – and other things, too. Like why so many fabulous women fall for men who will make their life harder than it already is.  And why so many beautiful women starve themselves.  Or why on earth women can be some of the most challenging bosses for women at work (sometimes I want to shake them from the shoulders and say “aren’t we in this thing called life together? Don’t you already know so much about me without even knowing me? Let’s lift each other UP!”)

 

the best theory I’ve got (would be so curious how this jives with your thoughts) is that it stems from how we all define our value.  And growing up as a woman, it’s terribly easy to think you’re valuable because you’re magazine cover pretty and have a popular boyfriend.  And since we all just want to feel valuable, it’s easy to make decisions where you prioritize trying to be just that to the detriment of all of the things that are good for our souls.  But the glimmer of hope I feel is that it’s possible to actively change how we define our value.  And what’s really fascinating to me is that it often takes seeing someone else who’s doing it to realize it.  This just makes me happy because sometimes it feels very human to need something from someone else.     

 

Here’s one moment for me when I saw others who seemed to define their value differently.  And it’s one of my favorite moments in life.   It was the curtain call at the Vagina Monologues my first year at school.  When they stood up and bowed, I was so completely overcome by a feeling of admiration – they looked to me like the most beautiful group of women I had ever seen.  None of them would have been on a magazine cover, but what made them beautiful was their glow and their confidence and their passion for something.  And I cried my favorite kind of tears during that curtain call, which was like the I feel so heavy and so light at the same time kind of tears.  I feel so damn good about feeling so damn good about these women. 

 

It also makes me think a lot about parenting and how we could potentially save our children a lot of pain and misguided choices by instilling in them a different sense of value early on.  Not quite sure how one would do this, exactly, but my best guess so far is that it’s the little things.  I was reading an article recently about grit (have you read anything about grit?  It’s a measure used at KIPP which basically means the tendency to persevere through challenges for long periods -- I’m working with a UPenn team of researchers right now to find ways to grow grit in our Teach For America corps members) and came across something that just really stuck with me.  A team of researchers went into a bunch of schools and gave students a really hard test. After the test, they told some of the students “wow. You got a really good score. You must be really smart.” And then they told another group of students “wow, you got a really good score. You must have worked really hard.”  Then a few months later, they came back and gave another really hard test to the students.  The ones who had been told they were hard workers scored statistically significantly higher than the ones who were told they were smart because if you tell someone that they’re smart, they believe it’s something born in them that they have no control over, and if you tell someone they’re a hard worker, they believe it’s something they can work at, and are less likely to give up on a hard test question.

 

It’s the little things, isn’t it?  I bet there are little things parents can do to make their kids define their value in things that are good for their soul. (as an aside, I bet a child’s default for defining their value is in the extent to which they are pleasing to their parents – nature’s gift to us to have a few years to shape ‘em!)"

isn't she incredible? my favorite line is about the kind of tears erika cried at the end of Vagina Monologues -- what she didn't tell you (because she is uncannily modest) is that she went on her fourth year of college to audition and be in Vagina Monologues -- I was lucky enough to be in the audience and cry those same kind of tears watching how beautiful and brave she was.

Comments

[Paige Griffith]

Mary, I was one of the Junior Counselors at Girls Nation this month when you came and spoke. You are truly inspirational and I just wanted to give you another thanks for your time. This blog you have is amazing. I will be telling all of the girls to come and take a look.
Now about this blog specifically, it is a wonderful email. Value is something that all youth should fully grasp. I, myself, have had unprecedented problems with understanding how valuable I can be to my family, school, community, nation and world. Teenagers struggle with this venture every day. Reading this email made me realize how important it is for me to bring about the value of myself and also the people around me. I plan to be a motivational speaker someday, and I will most definitely keep this email in my mind for future reference. Thank you!