first year as a navy wife.
i've mentioned before that me being a military wife was far from am obvious conclusion. i'm scared of guns, loud noises, and men in uniform. i had all the respect in the world for the men & women who were brave enough to put on the uniform and serve their country and was incredibly proud of my grandfather who served in the navy in WWII, but it was not a part of my daily life. then, i meet this amazing guy who decided at 17 he wanted to serve his country, endured four years at the naval academy (no walk in the park), two years of rigorous flight training, and now has an eight year commitment to the navy. i couldn't imagine my life without him, and that meant i couldn't imagine my life without the navy.
i wish i had a neat and tidy lesson from this year of being a navy wife and my path here, but instead, all i have are stories:
when ryan & i started dating, he was in his last year at the naval academy. i will never forget my first time there and walking around thinking "i didn't even know this world existed!!" i was struck a hundred times by how different his college experience was from mine (he was behind a gate all week, every week; had to run 10 miles in the dead of winter with a 40 pound pack on his back ... need i keep going?) i would sometimes drive out to the academy in the middle of week from d.c. to bring him pizza or pumpkin bread and beyond falling in love with him, i was just so grateful he would go through all this to keep us safe.
then, ryan went to pensacola to start flight school and i learned a million new things. to propose and marry me, he had to request leave (i.e. vacation). i actually have his leave chit that says, "i respectfully request permission to get married." the navy granted him one day of leave for our wedding. when he was coming to d.c. to propose he had the same amount of time. my favorite part of that story is he was getting bumped from his flight to d.c. after a series of weather related delays. he literally went to the ticket counter, put his ring and military id on the counter and said, "i HAVE to get to d.c." (isn't that the most romantic thing you've ever heard?!)
i remember right after we got engaged his friends all said two things to me -- the usual "congratulations!!" or "i'm so happy for you guys!!" and then this incredibly heartfelt "welcome to the navy." it was as if i was joining this giant family -- our first year of marriage has proven that true in so many ways.
our wedding day was absolutely amazing and i felt emotional the whole day-- that said, there was only one moment when i got choked up. we had literally just gotten married and walked to the back of the church. we let all our guests get outside and then we were going to do the traditional sword arch that welcomes me to the navy. the coordinator from the church came to tell us they were ready. as i peaked around the corner i saw our good friend, mack, call our five other friends who were in their dress whites to attention to begin the sword arch. i don't know why every time i had imagined that moment, i assumed they would just go stand outside in two lines -- of course they would march out there. watching them march out brought me to tears. mack, who was now leading the sword arch, had also driven with ryan twenty-two hours round trip to indiana (in one weekend!) to keep ryan company as he asked for my hand in marriage. these guys were at one of their best friend's weddings, but they were in uniform, and rightfully took it very seriously. i felt so unbelievably honored to be in their company.
ryan and I shared a car the first four weeks of marriage, which meant almost every day I drove him up to base and dropped him off for a test, or simulator flight, a cross country, or an out and in flight… and then I’d pick him up. on weekdays and weekends, I’d begin and end my day by picking up and dropping off my husband on a navy base -- this alone was sort of unbelievable (still scared of guns, I sort of jump every time I drive up to the gate). one crisp Sunday night close to midnight, I pulled in the parking lot and could see the planes taxiing on the run ways. i could see aviators walking across the tarmac, intently listening to their instructors. i could see inside the squadron building and there were young guys standing earnestly waiting to brief, or to hear their scores, or waiting to go fly. i was overwhelmed with pride and gratitude. grateful for these young pilots who so wholly commit themselves to serving their country. grateful for the chance to get a window into this world through my husband. overwhelmed by the sense that “only in America” was this possible. overwhelmed by seeing my husband leave and come home every day, not in a suit and tie, but in a flight suit and dog tags.
and then there have been a hundred small moments in the last year -- the woman we met on a flight back to indiana who i was chatting with about all sorts of things and it came up that ryan was in the military. she all of the sudden stopped, reached for ryan's hand, and said "thank you for your service, young man." i've listened to lots of people say that to him, and it touches me each time, but that time, it made me cry. i think about when ryan brought home the form for us to write down our wishes if something were to happen to him. it was this surreal moment of going "can i even imagine this?" and realizing this is one of those "only in the military" moments -- you don't join a law firm and fill out a piece of paper like this.
and then there have been a lot of moments of me feeling totally inadequate. military wives are incredibly strong women. i am literally bowled over by the brave, independent, unwavering spirit i've seen in them (many of you reading right now). they literally feel like personal super heroes to me. (remember this one?!) i sort of sit back and go, can i do that? can i one day explain to my five year old why his dad has to leave again for eight months? can i make sure that child doesn't worry too much? can i pack our things again? make all new friends again? not know when or for how long my husband is leaving? there's comfort that literally hundreds of thousands of families have gone before us and that i have a husband who is so unbelievably patient, supportive and understanding. he bends over backward every day to make this work for us.
i also had one wife explain to me the tension that exists so well in "understanding" all of this. she said, "when he deployed, i stayed near the base. the best thing about that was everyone understood what i was going through. if i broke down crying in the grocery store or ran out of work because he finally called from iraq, i never needed to explain myself. at the same time, the worst thing about it was that everyone thought they understood what i was going through. people would offer "helpful" advice, but all it felt like was they were minimizing my emotions -- the military is a different experience for every single family." that advice was so helpful to me. i've been grateful for the opportunity to learn from other wives, listen to those who've gone before us, and i've sought out that advice. but at the end of the day, i've also kept in mind that ONLY ryan & i can know what this looks like for us and our family.
two quick asides: one, i'm positive i will look back in a few years and laugh at what i've written here (& some of you more experienced military wives may already be laughing) -- there is such a steep learning curve with being a military wife -- but i also know this is where i am right now, and maybe some of you are here too. second, these are my experiences -- i recognize it is different for every single military family and only mean to tell my story. the navy is a blessing in our lives and i'm so proud of my husband and his service.
big ideas, military wife & life Wednesday, November 10, 2010 at 9:00AM
Reader Comments (15)
Awesome. You (and Ryan) are such a blessing and an encouragement to Austin and me as we start this journey--both the journey he and I are embarking on, just the two of us, and the one for which the Air Force is joining us :)
Mary--
Your posts today and yesterday have been your best ever. Both brought tears to my eyes and really made me think. Thank you for the glimpse into the life of a navy couple; I'm ashamed to admit that I really haven't given enough thought to the many sacrifices that military families make.
Happy Anniversary, and THANK YOU to Ryan (and you!) for your service and sacrifices!!
xo,
Bethany
What a beautifully told story. I am proud of Ryan and also of you. Michelle Obama spoke at Maria Shriever's Women's Conferenece a few weeks ago about the unsung hero's that our military families are in this country. This Christmas I will serve the way I always have, but I am adding a military family to my list of Angels. Thank you for writing such a heart felt account for us!
thank you for this beautiful account, mary! i loved hearing what life is like for you... so different than most other people. i'm sure the bond you feel with other wives is priceless.
what a beautiful post! i admire people like you and your husband so much!
Such a wonderful post Mary :) you had me in tears and you're right- that is one of the most romantic things I've ever heard!
thank you all so much for your sweet comments -- as you can tell, these past two days have been a bit of a new thing for t&f -- a little more personal than i've written before and i'm so grateful for all your encouragement and kind words. xo
Your posts are so helpful! I have been reading them for inspiration and I find comfort in the fact that you, too, were initially clueless about the military life and also that you've continued to have your own career as well. My boyfriend attended USNA and is currently in Meridian training for Jets. The military lifestyle is not easy but it helps having people like you to inspire me, you seem to have it all together but yet you too had doubts if you could do it and not many people are willing to admit that. Thank YOU for being an inspiration for me and I'm sure many other woman as well.
What a sweet post! Thanks for sharing, Mary. :)
hi mary! this post was great! my cousin and his wife both went to West Point, and have been managing dual-deployments while taking care of their two little boys (both under 3!) I am always amazed at how they do it, and how other military families get through the long times apart. thank you for telling your story!
Mary, you put it perfectly! ONLY you and your spouse + family can know what being part of the military life looks like. This rings so true to me since wives I have met/come across do seem to all have such a different way of being part of the military life. I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to read how positive you are. I truly appreciate you're great attitude. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
Great post Mary. I've enjoyed learning how this first year has gone for you, especially since we just hit 1 year in September and have USNA and flight school in common.
To Katharine- we're in Meridian for jets. Are you living here with your boyfriend? Is he close to winging? I'd love to chat. The community of women here (and at all other bases) really makes military life easier.
Mary,
I had no idea you were in Meridian! That's awesome! Charlie (my boyfriend) just got down to Meridian this week he hasn't started advanced yet, he's thinking he will the 17th...so we still have at least a year to go! How long have you been in Meridian? I'm actually not living with him down there, I wish I was :( Next time I visit maybe we can meet up for coffee or something!
Part of the reason (among many) I love reading your blog though is because I don't have the military community down here (I live in NY) and even though I've been dating Charlie 8 years, I still have that "girlfriend" title which sometimes makes it harder to find the same level of support from people...if that makes any sense at all. I actually am close with Allison and she told me of your blog, we were childhood friends and Doug and Charlie were roommates at USNA, so talking to her always helps! But her and I have trouble sometimes finding military wives who also juggle a career of their own (this is not meant to be offensive to anyone!) so to read your blog and know that you can juggle it all is really helpful and encouraging :)
and I really meant what I said I do appreciate so much you putting yourself out there and helping me know that you also were scared at first of being a "navy wife", it makes me feel a bit more normal!
I found you through Purl Bee and am glad that I found 'ya! I have been a Navy wife for 10+ years and we just moved from Hampton Roads (I miss it!)...it is certainly a journey that is full of ups and downs and tons of learning experiences...but it is SO worth it!
Hi Mary,
Congratulations to you and Ryan on your 1 year anniversary! I think you summed up life as a military wife quite well. It is a different experience for everyone and yet we share the common bond. My husband retired after 20 years in the Navy. We are so proud of his service and are proud of the young men and women who still choose to serve. You belong to a special group of women. Remeber the old saying, Navy Wife, Toughest Job in the Navy! Good luck to both you and Ryan!