three years of blogging.

three years & almost nine hundred posts (?!?!) later, here we are. i can't begin to tell you how grateful i am. you are what has made this adventure so worthwhile. you have taken the time to reach out, share your thoughts, & read on faithfully (even during some of my early posts, which now make me cringe!). your encouragement along the way is what has made me keep writing. i'm also struck by the friendships this adventure has afforded me -- if the only thing that came of this space was that i met claudia, it would be more than worth it.  i receive emails from you that humble me & remind me why it's always worth the time to come here, write another story, be transparent and intentional about this journey we're all on. to be a part of your busy, full lives is a true privilege.

this blog has forced me to grow -- and i've found that any experience that forces you to grow is worthwhile, even if that growth can be painful at moments. it's forced me to grow as a writer (thank you for your steady hand as an editor, mom), as a wife, mother, friend and perhaps most profoundly person who wants to get up each day and make my little lot in this world count. for my contribution that day to those around me to be simple and kind and generous and worthy and joyful. so often i pause to see the beauty in something or take the time to try something new or notice something i otherwise might have flown right past because i think to share it here. this space has helped me find my voice, over and over again.

i want to say once again that our lives are far from perfect.  i hope so much that you can come here & find a bright moment in your day, but not think this is our whole story & that we don't know the pain and mess and hurt you feel. while the moments captured here are often our happiest, that's in part because we see them emerge from the harder, more confusing and painful moments in our lives. in that light, i hope they encourage you.

the people make anything worthwhile -- the bloggers i've met along the way, who have become friends mean so much to me -- alison, claudia, alli, ashley, paige, megan, ashley & so many more -- thank you.

without a doubt the blog i have read most consistently is cup of jo. it was one of the first blogs i found & it's become a part of my daily life. i think ryan feels like joanna is a part of our life -- so many recipes we've tried, outings when we've visited new york city, conversations we've had & ideas i've brought up begin with "so, I read on cup of jo..." i respect her writing, humility, authenticity & voice so very much. when she left a comment on this post, i jumped around the room for a solid five minutes.

i'm so excited for year four -- to that end, next week i'll be sharing ellie's first birthday party & doing a valentine's day wish list, so swing back by! y'all are awesome.

p.s. first year blog anniversary & post-round up (insert cringe here! :); second year blog anniversary & some thoughts on blogging!

motherhood & work.

as ellie turned one (!!!!) & this whole motherhood thing is really sinking in, becoming more a part of my identity every day, i wanted to do a post to capture this moment in time. i also wanted to respond to many of you who have e-mailed asking about my decision regarding work/maternity leave, etc. i waited until now for two reasons : the first is my decision was very much influenced by ryan being deployed for half of e's first year of life (& i needed to wait until he was home to talk openly about that). secondly, i really felt like i needed to journey through this whole year before writing. nothing i say below is earthshattering, it's just an honest reflection on what it's really been like for me to become a mama.

so, here goes. deep breath. (that's mainly for me, you might just want to get a fresh cup of coffee, this is going to be a long one).

one of the main reasons i have a hard time tackling the issue of my decision to stay home with ellie is that i'm frustrated by the language we use. "maternity leave" makes it seem like you have to leave work to be motherly and then you go back to work and are some how less motherly(?). it also sounds like this really relaxing period - when giving birth and the early weeks with a newborn were some of the most labor intensive of my life!

"stay at home mom" just sounds ridiculous because i know of no stay at home moms who do that (just stay at home) - most are incredibly active, involved in their community, generally busy loving on people in their lives. and that leads us to "working moms" which somehow always comes off to be moms who are less engaged or trying to prove a point or frazzled -- we almost get cartoon images from these terms. or, you get the "are you just a mom?" or "do you work out of the home?" which are awkward questions from the start (at least for me).

i'm also frustrated, like most of you are, because these conversations always seem to end up in the same place -- all of us thinking there's this magical place we can arrive -- where we'll have totally fulfilling careers, amazing relationships with our kids, incredible marriages with weekly date nights, gorgeous homes, tons of time on the weekend to do all those projects we've been pinning, deep relationships with all our closest friends and family, vacations that totally refresh us and christmas cards that capture how incredibly balanced and happy life is. and yet, i know of no one who is living that magical life. we all want to find the formula for something that doesn't really exist -- we want to ignore we all have to choose how we spend our time & energy. that this is a broken world with challenges & pain for each of us.

what i do know is a lot of people who are faithfully struggling to find their own version of balance -- and many who are finding joy in that process & where they are at this moment in time. i know wives who are laughing with their husband on the kitchen floor when dinner turned out just TERRIBLY & did they really forget to pick up that kid after the recital?! & wait, when did the dog eat that stuffed animal?! 

i know couples who huddle late at night, for the tenth time this year, reworking their travel schedules so they get more dinners with their kids.

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moments from december.

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ellie's first year.

i'm really excited to share this little video of ellie's first year of life. one of the unexpected benefits of deployment was that i had a ton of short video clips i took for ryan. i knew it was unlikely we'd go back and watch them individually, so i started working on a little project to string them together in iMovie with some of our all time favorite ellie photos. add in some of our very favorite songs to listen to with ellie, and you have a video that makes me laugh & brings some tears to my eyes. for those of you who swing by t&f a lot, i know you feel like you know our sweet girl. well, this video will bring those images to life & i so hope you enjoy it! my very favorite moments are the belly shots (around the 6 minute mark), the video of e seeing ryan for the first time at his homecoming (around the 9 min 30 second mark) and the early days of ellie walking in her tiger costume (around the 10 minute 10 second mark). the songs we used are "it's a big world" by jeremy & renee; "night mantra" by jeremy & renee; "put a little love in your heart" by renee & jeremy; "you & me" by frances england ; & "have a little fun with me" by glen phillips. finally, i want to apologize to any & all future kids we have -- i know ellie girl has an absurd number of baby books, photographs & videos -- we love you just as much, we just went a little crazy in this first year of parenthood.

p.s. if you read t&f in google reader, for some reason, my last post on ryan's homecoming only showed up with four photographs (and must have seemed random!) you can see the whole post here! xo

this is exactly what that day felt like.

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a few more 2012 favorites.

this morning, i shared my favorite images of 2012 -- as taken my by iphone. the reality is, that was most often the tool i had to capture the moment in front of me. those are the unexpected, ordinary moments that really stick with me. but i couldn't resist sharing some that we took with our camera -- moments we knew we wanted to capture.& a few my dear friend val took for us that feel so very much a part of our story.

this one is a few days shy of 2012, december 26, 2011 to be exact - but so much of this year began with ellie being born & this image from my labor will always be my favorite. while i don't remember our doula taking this photo (i'm SO grateful she did), it feels so true to me. for all thirty hours (!!) of labor, ryan was so steadfast. i feel like we held hands for most of the time.

this photo was actually taken by the hospital photographer, the morning we were bringing ellie home. i was an absolute mess, didn't really even want the photographs taken, but she was so sweet and reassuring. when she brought in a slideshow of the images right before we packed up to go home, i burst into tears. i saw this image & all at once it hit me that was our sweet daughter. for that reason, this image of ellie will always be one of my very favorites.

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2012 favs (iphone style).

 

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one. year. old.

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joy to the world.

sweet readers, we want to wish you a very merry christmas! i hope you get time to be with the people you love most, feel the incredible joy of this season, reflect on the blessings around you & soak up the good news that God loves us so much, he sent his only Son to be born in a manger. know that you are loved this christmas.

& to the service members deployed this christmas, know how incredibly grateful we are for your service & sacrifice. you will be in our prayers this christmas. to the military families, who will have such a noticeable absence in their homes this christmas -- to the spouses who will be holding down the fort for another holiday, we're cheering you on & sending lots of love your way.

p.s. really excited for to post my favorite photos of 2012 later this week, see you then! xo

ellie meets santa.

 

the other day we took ellie to meet santa for the first time. needless to say, it wasn't as joyful as we were hoping, but we're thinking one day she'll look back at these photos and gets a good laugh. poor santa was a little harder of hearing after this episode & ellie clung to my shirt the rest of the trip. oh babies, you're so awesome. 

p.s. how great is that santa?!

p.s.s if you're in the wrapping craziness -- here are some adorable free downloadable gift tags -- thanks sweet claudia for passing them on! (a tip, i always print a bunch of these on cardstock and stick them in with our decorations when we pack them up -- it's such a fun surprise to find them the next christmas!)